I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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