I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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