I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
