The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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