I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dignity is for republicans.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
