some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
