$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
