I am puke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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