hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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