Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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