I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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