I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
