On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
