i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
