So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
