hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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