I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
