Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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