The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
