Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
