You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
