Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
