i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We have so much sex to catch up on
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
