Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
