and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
