I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
