I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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