im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
