Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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