I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
