New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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