I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
