you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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