"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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