When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
