Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
