we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i dont even know how to be here
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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