the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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