I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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