i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
