Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
