Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
