I should be sponsored by Trojan
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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