I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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