just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
