I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
