Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
