I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
