I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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