Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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