Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
